Peace

A really good friend of mine and I were talking the other day about how there are certain times in your life where you wake up in the morning with an uncomfortable weight on your chest. There could be nothing really wrong with the day itself, yet somehow, there is. It's a weird and uncomfortable feeling for me. And it's hard to explain. The best way i can is simply to say that there must be something in my life that isn't/wasn't right.

I am excessively stubborn. So when I have this feeling, my first response to it is to shove it off. In my mind I say "I can deal with this later" or "I can figure out what this is later". No one wants to hurt. And there are many times when even though I know the right thing to do, I can't do it. Because "not hurting" sounds better than any alternative, especially when a decent alternative seems unimaginable.

After that, I start arguing with God. These arguments go something like this:

[" Kate, You know that I know what's best for you, and if you'd just trust me, I'd blow your expectations out of the water. Just trust me. You've done it before. You know how it works"
" Well, Lord, you are great. And I love you. But this hurts, and I'm a thinker...so you know I've sat around and thought up any other kind of alternative that could make me happier than this...and I can't...so it'll be ok for me to stay where I am. at least for just a little while longer, ok? I promise. i'll be ok."]

So after about 578 of those ^, I break down. To make a long drawn out, monotonous story shorter, I do the right thing. And eventually, after feeling like I'd rather die than live most days, I start to heal.

And that leads to today. For lack of a better explanation, I'll just say I have an overwhelming amount of peace inside me. I have hope and i know that I am going to be ok. It's sad to say that this isn't the first time I've finally given in and trusted that God knows what's best for me more than I do. It's not even the twentieth time. I can't stop thinking about how wonderful it is to have a God that sticks with me and my stubbornness, right down to the 578th try...and then some...and then some more.